Love, Life, & Beyond

Parenting is a tough job. Ironically, the more you learn about it, the harder it gets. I’ve heard so many older parents say that kids will raise themselves, and if you have two or three the older one will take care of the rest. On the other end of the spectrum are the parents who obsess and control everything that happens around and to their kids. How do we find the right balance in parenting that works for both the parent and child?

As parents, we all want what’s best for our children. However, when it comes to negative influences, should we shield our kids from them or give them controlled exposure? Of course, it is not a yes or no question; each situation and child is different. But, it does help to think over things that you could tolerate occasionally and those that are a complete no-no. 

There are some unfavourable influences I would avoid my child being around—violence, drugs, and explicit content. However, that doesn’t mean I will not talk to him about these things. At seven years, he is too young to understand how devastating these things could be, so we talk about defining them at a level he’ll understand. 

Hard-core drug usage, for example, is not something I would expose him to, even if it is on-screen. But, we do talk about things our brain and body get so used to that they want more and more of it, like sugar. He’s not banned from having processed sugar, but we remind him of the choices he’s making for his body’s health, and he knows too much of it will give him an upset stomach. 

Another point we remind him of is that we will not be everywhere he is, and that ultimately he is responsible to take care of his body. Hopefully, he will not need us to remind him to eat healthier or drink more water over time. And if he is confronted with the choice of doing hard drugs, he’ll remember that same training. We can help our kids develop the skills and resilience to face and overcome future challenges.

It is impossible to shield our kids from everything, especially in today’s digital age, where the internet is a major source of (mis)information and entertainment. Even if we block one source, they will get that information from another—social media, TV, or their peers. 

As we all know, banning something increases curiosity levels manifold and always backfires. At the beginning of my parenting journey, I was so sure that I would not give my son a toy gun. But every kid he knew had one, and he didn’t understand why he couldn’t. We had to give in, with many warnings about how to use it safely. Now, he hardly uses it, and only as a prop when he role plays with his friends.

Giving kids controlled exposure to negative influences involves being mindful of what our children are exposed to and ensuring they understand the consequences of their actions. It involves teaching them how to make informed decisions, recognise potential risks, and deal with situations that may arise.

To help them deal with bigger issues, we need to start from issues that matter to them now; like junk food and screen time, or expressing anger in a violent manner. It is helpful to remember that impulse control, which is a critical skill that allows them to regulate their emotions, behaviour, and decision-making, comes at a much later stage in life. It requires practice and support from parents and caregivers. Parents can help their children develop impulse control by setting clear expectations and boundaries, modelling self-control, and providing opportunities for practice and reinforcement. Till they are able to resist temptation on their own, they need our help and guidance.

As an example, I tried to remove the novelty of screen time or sugary food by making it available at all time. It did not work. Even after two weeks of screen time with snacks, my son showed no signs of slowing down. I had to step in and say that since he is not aware of the effects nor does he have the capacity to fully control his behaviours at this age, I will have to draw boundaries to help him out. He wasn’t happy with it, but he got used to it.

He still has some candies and chips everyday, but he knows when he goes to a party at a friend’s house, he needn’t focus only on the chips and cake. I know plenty of kids who are denied these items at home and then gorge down bundles of chips and candies only to fall sick the next day (my son used to be one of those). Completely depriving children of real-world experiences or understanding an uncomfortable subject can trigger a forbidden-fruit effect that could lead to unhealthy habits or rebellion. 

Another side-effect of giving in to the pressure of providing our kids the perfect food and life, is the toll it takes on the care-giver. This burden can be overwhelming and unrealistic. For the kids themselves, this striving for perfection can actually be harmful, creating a sense of anxiety, pressure, and guilt. 

Instead, let’s focus on providing our kids with a balanced and fulfilling life that involves love, support, and meaningful experiences. This includes encouraging healthy habits but also allowing room for flexibility and indulgence. Ultimately, what matters most is showing our children that we love them unconditionally and that we are there for them no matter what challenges or imperfections may arise.